"Even Tears Mean NO!"
Over a decade ago, I believed that I was a "born victim." It was only through serious therapy, self realization, and self discovery – that I was able to let the past go and forgive those that hurt me – and really begin living. Today, I am okay with my past for it has made me who I am today!! I am very fortunate that from my past I have become so much stronger. I am a survivor!
From 1982 to 1998 (8-24 years old), my life was a bit out of control. I was lost. It all began at the age of eight when a friend and I were molested by a big fat, smelly older man at our apartment playground in Marietta, Georgia. Around the age of 10, a close family member (8 months older) and I began experimenting with role play. This escalated later during my teenage years. My life changed completely in the 7th grade when my mom and I move from where I grew up. I was an outcast. By the end of my 7th grade year, I had unwillingly lost my virginity to my doped-up boyfriend and experienced gang rape one too many times. I could never tell my mom since I was not allowed to have anyone in the house when she was not there. It makes sense now. The 8th grade brought me to a mentally and physically abusive relationship. It was this year that I really began using anything I could get my hands on to escape the crap I was going through. By 9th grade, I was sent to live with my dad because I had become so out of control. That lasted about a year and I was back in Georgia.
The years 1990-1993 were full of drugs, alcohol, and partying, but there was no violence of any type in my life. In 1993, I returned from California with an addiction to meth. I found new ways to make money and got myself kicked out of my home because of it. I worked for two local escort companies that provided a roof over my head and drug money. Eventually I was fired from that job and landed on the streets.
Between 1994-1998, I experienced three horrific sexual assaults. In a nut shell, the first assault took place in a rundown apartment building in Chamblee where I was trying to buy drugs. This is where a bunch of men kept me against my will and took advantage of me. Finally, they let me go after they took all of me and my money. The second assault, I was once again buying drugs. I was held at gun point in a hotel and the ordeal lasted a couple of days. The last assault was a slick business man that lured me in with drugs and money. After raping me, he would lock me in the bathroom. I am not really even sure how many days this went on. I was blessed to be able to survive these horrid attacks. I never reported any of these due to the fact that I figured no one would believe a drug addict and prostitute.
Today, I know different! These are some of my worse stories as I remember them. I was a prostitute for five years to support a drug habit after a dysfunctional life. At the end of the day, NO means NO! Even tears mean NO! I blamed myself for many years. I did learn that I was just a victim of bad circumstances and got caught up in the shuffle. Today I know that there are people out there just life me. I know that there is a place to call when such awful events happen and I know that none of this was my fault.